What’s the state of your relationships right now?
On a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being in crisis and 10 being completely fulfilling), how would you say your relationships feel?
Romantic relationship ___________
Other family members ____________
…and how about the most overlooked and neglected relationship of all:
Your relationship with yourself ?
I am asking you this because your heart might need healing, like Bobbi’s heart did a little while ago.
Bobbi is my 8-year-old granddaughter who stayed for a sleepover, along with 4 of her cousins, aged 9, 10, 10 and 11.
In a moment of insanity, I had invited all of them for a weekend of bonding at my house.
Thank goodness it included the Saturday where our clocks changed to daylight savings… shortening the weekend by an hour…
I mean, my head was spinning after the first 5 minutes and then I still had a whole 47 hours to go.
But it was a fantastic reminder to see how kids experience life.
Everything is amplified!
They go from euphoria to despair, from meanness to kindness, from happiness to nightmares to excitement to boredom, to hungry… all in the spate of a few breaths. (Except for hungry, that was pretty constant.)
Before long one thing became very clear to me:
All 5 of them were vying for the spot of being the ‘most special’ grandchild.
None of them felt ‘good enough’.
They all had glaring insecurities.
They had become far removed from their inner light…
I remember the wonder of holding them close to my heart as newborns.
How precious they were. The greatest gift from the Universe.
When did that change?
The truth is, nothing changed!
They are still the most wonderful, amazing, living miracles that we as parents and grandparents have been entrusted with.
The only difference between then and now is that my precious grandchildren have forgotten that they are the GIFT.
NOTHING MORE AND NOTHING LESS.
They have forgotten they don’t have to ‘earn love back’, that they ARE LOVE.
It only took a few short years.
And in the next few years they are going to become even further removed from their inner light.
It is inevitable.
Families, cultures, school systems and society have that effect on us.
We become addicted to what’s happening outside of us and less aware of the precious gift inside of us.
We get stuck in fight and flight, in states of survival.
Back at home I couldn’t wait for one of the kids to crack up. Then I could clear up a whole lot of stuck energy in one fell swoop and give them an experience of feeling into their own heart.
Bobbi was the first one to lose the plot, at the most inconvenient time.
This is how it happened:
Pete and I got a call from our plumber to tell us the bath we had bought wasn’t going to work.
We had to rush into town and exchange it for a different one before the shops closed at midday.
… the plumbers were busy.
… the kids were still in their PJ’s with breakfast all over their faces and Pete was pacing the hallway impatiently for us to get our acts together.
Bobbi raced into the bathroom and bumped into her cousin Ahlia.
There was a small exchange of something I chose to ignore and suddenly there it was… Bobbi cracked it.
With heart-breaking sobs she told us how nobody liked her, the whole world was picking on her….
Bobbi’s 4 cousins were initially taking no notice of Bobbi, they were too busy washing their faces hoping the mood would blow over.
“Hey guys, listen up.” I said.
“Bobbi is crying and nobody is paying any attention. What’s the go here. Aren’t we all meant to be friends?”
With a fling of my hand I told Pete to get going, I would follow him in my own car.
With Pete gone, I gathered my 5 grandkids into the bathroom, put them in a circle and asked them to give Bobbi, who was still crying, their full attention.
Her distress levels were palpable as her entire life story came flooding out … or so it seemed.
“I don’t like sleeping in two different beds,” she managed to say in between sobs. “I don’t know where I belong.” (Her parents are living in 2 houses now.)
Seeing I didn’t have any answers for Bobbi, I didn’t offer any.
I simply stayed with her ‘in the pocket’ as one of my coaches would call it.
My grandchildren were gathered around like stunned mullets, not knowing where to look or what to do or say.
“Close your eyes and tune into your own body while you hear Bobbi out,” I suggested.
“You might even be able to relate to it… when was the last time you felt abandoned, or you didn’t know where you belonged?” I asked the kids.
“We never do!” Ethan and Ahlia piped up.
“Good for you..” I said, “What about you Cohen? You have been through a lot in your life.. can you relate to Bobbi’s feelings?”
“Well, I remember when mum broke up with James…” Cohen started hesitantly.
Bobbi’s crying stopped as sudden as it had started.
Curiously she looked at Cohen, who was now interrupted by Ethan and Ahlia who had stopped pretending they were fine and looked vulnerable instead.
“I feel scared when my parents argue.” Ahlia said.
“But my parents only argue about the meaning of life,” Ethan reassured me quickly.
I spent the next 10 minutes listening to the kids stories of fights and arguments. The fears of being left behind and not feeling good enough… or not special enough.. or that nobody cared… of not feeling heard…
It was a huge relief.
Once the proverbial dust had settled, I bundled the kids up in my car. On the drive to town we discussed other fearful things like death and the meaning of life and how important it was to be OK with yourself.
Every family has hidden emotions.
Things that trigger us and create insecurities.
All families are dysfunctional at different times. And that is alright. That’s how we learn and evolve.
But growth only happens when we stop sweeping things under the carpet, pretending things are OK when they are not.
Once we stop pretending and admit that damage has been done, we heal and we can then start living a more fulfilled life.
If we live in an environment of denial we become more and more insecure. Our heart (the truth machine) is telling us one thing and our head/the world around us, is telling us another thing.
When you are insecure, you worry about what others may think of you. You feel they will not like or love you exactly as you are. In short, you don’t feel you are ENOUGH.
You assign OTHER people, like your parent, grandparents, friends or cousins to be judges of your worthiness.
In doing so, you invalidate a very important person: YOU.
Insecurity is actually a reflection of what we think about ourselves and how much – or how little – we love ourselves exactly as we are.
It has absolutely nothing to do with other people.
In Bobbi’s case; she was feeling so insecure and unlovable that she was pushing people away and the more we push away, the more drama we attract.
At least drama is still a form of attention, which is better than the pain of feeling ignored, so soon we are addicted to dramas.
Drama causes us to live in a state of fight and flight, of ‘them versus us’, of never feeling good enough or lovable enough. This creates a constant feeling of stress and overwhelm.
So now I invite you to hook back into the start of the story and look at your score.
What score did you give your significant relationships?
What was the score of the relationship with yourself, the most important one of all?
If you scored 7 or more, you are most likely fine.
If you scored less than 7, your insecurities will keep tripping you up in your finances (you lose money as fast as it comes in), your love life and your friendships.
Your priority needs to be to restore and heal the relationship with self.
What is it in you that you haven’t learned to love?
What is it that you have come to hate?
Is it your anger? Your hips? Your stubbornness? What about your insecurity?
When was the last time you felt great?
When was the last time you felt truly satisfied and contented?
Today I can offer you a way out of pain and stress.
A way to see things differently.
An opportunity to connect with all the parts of yourself that have been disconnected through pain, trauma or neglect.
So you become whole and calm.
Today I am offering you a different way of living, where there is more security and freedom.
As you heal yourself, you also find love for the self.
And as you find love for the self, you will find love for humanity.
You become kinder and more forgiving and handle stresses so much better.
My work with you will set you free from childhood programming because you will connect to your authentic self.
Do you know what happens when you don’t operate from your inner core essence?
Your moods will depend on everyone else’s.
If your kids are upset, then you are upset.
If your mum is unhappy or sad, you are sad.
You think it is your responsibility to make everyone happy.
This is not only exhausting, it creates inconsistencies in your moods and tension in all your relationships.
If this sounds like you, please come and see me directly or via a long distance session with Skype / Zoom.
I promise that when you work with me you will find new peace in your heart space and you will get a fresh outlook on your life.
How much longer do you want to feel crazy or out of control for?
Or ring Leica or Eve on 64283007.
Much love, Grada