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The pain of not speaking your truth.

We often remember the Big Bang events that define our past.

Like last year when I had to say farewell to my dad. In July, we got a call from Scottsdale to say that my dad was very unwell and when I saw the accompanying video of him Cheyne Stoking (alias ‘death rattling’) I knew that his time was up.

I felt torn; I wanted to jump in the car immediately to be with him, but on the other hand, I had a huge family feast organised and people were arriving to celebrate Eve’s 30th.

I let myself be pressured into NOT listening to my intuition and I allowed myself to be convinced that my dad would be alright, being looked after by the nurses. He hadn’t died all the other times I had rushed to his side, and why should it be different this time? So I didn’t get to him till the next morning.

When I got there, my dad looked green from excruciating pain and was close to death. I felt so guilty that he had suffered like that all by himself for hours! It must have been the longest night of his life. My dad had never showed any sign of pain in his life ever. He never felt the cold, not even in minus 10C in Holland, and he never complained or asked for anything for himself. I immediately alerted the nurses and Dr that he needed palliative care, and it still took 48 hours of haggling to get him comfortable enough to keep his dignity.

It broke my heart.

We didn’t know where his pain came from. Perhaps he had fallen out of bed one too many times and broken something in his pelvis. It was too late to look into it now.

My siblings and I tried to ease his pain by rubbing 1000’s of drops of essential oils into him, enough to knock a giant off his socks. We talked, we cried, we waited long hours, we shared stories and anecdotes and we loved him up to the hilt for the ensuing 7 days, until he took his last breath at 5.55 on a Monday morning, a full week after I got the first message.

Even though there were many opportunities for me to tell him how much I loved him, I’m ashamed to say I had such a struggle saying those words, I only managed to squeeze them out once on the evening before he died, and he was so deeply unconscious that I am not sure he even heard me say it.

I am ashamed, because after decades of doing healing work on my childhood traumas, as well as spending over half a million $$$$ on my personal development,

I am still struggling to SPEAK MY TRUTH at age 57!

My dad and I never had an intimate relationship. It simply wasn’t comfortable to be close to him. I always felt fearful of him. When I was around him, I turned into a shrunken version of myself. When I was young I didn’t want to ruffle his feathers for fear of a belting, and when I was older I still had the same fears, and I also never wanted to humiliate him. I guess that sums up our relationship: I was always conscious of a lot of humiliation between us, in the end I wasn’t sure if it was his or mine, it was simply there.

It was just easier not to say anything about the past ever. Or about the future. Or any other heart felt deeper meaning topics. When I was around my dad, words simply stuck in my throat. That is not to say that I didn’t love him and I knew he loved me. The energy just felt stuck and restricted between us.

Its also not to say that you always have to verbalise everything. My dad never verbalised anything and he lived a healthy contented life till he was 90.

My dad’s needs were different to mine because he was from a different era. But both my mum and dad suffered terribly on their death beds. It was harrowing! I can’t help but wonder if it was due to them NOT FEELING THEIR FEELINGS and NOT SPEAKING THEIR OWN TRUTH.

They believed they did, but they were deeply conditioned to mistrust their body/subconscious. They simply ignored their authentic self, because ‘God came first’ and ‘world, flesh (aka the body) and devil’ were to be put to death on a daily basis, so the cries of their cells would have fallen on deaf ears.

I have often said to Pete that the greatest gift you can give to your children is to ‘manifest’ a peaceful death!

How do you manifest that? The same way as you create a peace filled life: by speaking your truth, or by being RADICALLY AUTHENTIC.

It is not always convenient, but the fact is that when we put off living authentically, we will eventually invite disease, pain or accidents of some sort into our lives.

I share this story to invite you to bring your awareness to any area of your life where you are not speaking your truth and it is causing you pain. It may be tiny things; like not telling your partner that you actually didn’t want to go out for tea, or you wanted to watch a different movie. A medium topic; like where you want to go for a holiday, or you had wanted your new car to be a different colour. Or it might be a really big thing like how to raise your kids, staying in a job that sucks the life out of you, or staying in a relationship with your mother-in-law.

Or it might be an ENORMOUS secret, like being sexually manipulated or molested by a family member/friend.

The slow burn created by the compounding effect of tiny and medium things can be just as painful for your body as that Big Thing.

Yes, there can also be pain in speaking your truth.

However, that pain is only temporary. It is far more painful to NOT speak your truth. I can guarantee that someone isn’t going to like your truth. However, YOU HAVE TO LIVE WITH YOURSELF! You are the only person you have to live with….forever.

When you speak from your authentic self it will likely mean that something in your world will change. BUT WHAT IF NOTHING in your life today ever changed? Do you want everything to stay the same?

What I am saying is that the ability to access and communicate your truth is the key to an aligned and truly fulfilling life. Ultimately, your truth is where your power is hidden. When you don’t speak your truth, you are giving away your power.

Lets dissect those Big Bang, Life and Death moments under the microscope for a minute.

When the moment of death finally arrives, it is almost like an anti-climax. It’s so mundane. It is the most natural thing in the world, we simply stop breathing and step out of our old skin. The same as when the baby pops out. Even if you are giving birth for the first time, a force of nature takes over. It’s something we have no control over. Our body simply responds to a superpower that is ever present. First there is no baby, and the next moment, you have a real life miniature human being in your arms.

Let’s get really honest then.

If the climax isn’t contained inside those life and death moments, where can we find them then? I believe the moments that really stand out in our memory like a flash light, are the times we speak our truth.

Stop reading for a minute and check with yourself if that is true.

When you speak your truth, or speak from truth, there is an exchange of energy.

Either something dies (a falsehood or limiting belief) or something is born (new life in a relationship that had gone stale). There is a freeing up in the relationship. A release in your body. Suddenly your cells can breathe. The fog has lifted, you can see clearer.

The Universe runs on truth, so it responds to this shift in energy. Suddenly you are in flow. Money comes easier. You start to feel noticed. Your intuition kicks in. Life becomes more joyful and less strained.

On the other hand, think back over your life, and check if most of the drama and tension didn’t come from times you said something that you didn’t mean, or you omitted to say the truth?

Thankfully we are entering an era of transparency on a global consciousness level. It seems we are all fed up with platitudes.

I wished my dad was young again today, so I could teach him how to communicate effortlessly but at least I get to work with my children, their partners and my grandchildren, who all display some of my dad’s Viking genes.

After my dad died, I made a commitment to not waste any precious moments being inauthentic or saying/being/doing something if I don’t mean it. Or to allow tension or drama to build up because I choose to be ‘kind’ and not truthful.

I feel so calm, at peace and clear today. My gift of healing is so strong, my intuition flows easily, and my personal relationships are deep and meaningful. When I feel pain or stiffness in my body, I step into my truth and listen to what it tells me. Then I know what to do to restore health and vitality.

You too can heal your body and your life!

I wish for all of you to experience deep peace, love and prosperity and that is why I created my Surge to Success weekend workshops, to give you a shortcut to vibrant health and happiness.

If you have always tried so hard and still feel stuck, you have relied on your human superpowers. I am going to share with you how you can get results easy, by connecting with your spiritual superpowers so you can unleash the floodgates of energy.

For those of you sitting on the fence regarding committing to the next step, check out the links here: http://bit.ly/2LetQhr

Take advantage of my special offer where you can bring your bestie or your partner for free, or you can share the cost of the investment!

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Congratulations on reading this entire article! It means you are interested in your spiritual journey. If it struck a chord, please also check out all my workshops for 2019 below.

Much love, Grada