I am having one of those days. I woke up early with a dull feeling in my body. It briefly passed when Pete came in with a coffee and an inspiring podcast he had enjoyed during his early morning walk.
It was all about forgiveness and how that sets us free and how forgiving everyone for everything (including yourself) lifts our mental game.
Normally that would be enough to propel me into the shower and do an off-key Maria Callas impersonation, but today I wasn’t in the mood.
Just before Pete left for work, I started hassling him about the piles of building materials that have been gathering moss under a tree for several years. I threatened to order a Collex bin so I could start chucking all the paraphernalia into the skip and remove it from my life for good.
I knew the piles of collectables weren’t the real issue. I understood Pete can’t possibly work any harder than he does. All progress takes time, a fair amount of mess and distress. I was just looking for a fight.
Lucky for Pete, he had to leave.
I open all the doors and windows in the house to dispel my dull energy and take in the soft rain outside. I brew myself a cup of turmeric latte to get the ‘shit off my liver’ now that I couldn’t pick a fight.
I sit down behind my computer and start typing nonsense. Finally, I realise what is going on. Opening all the doors and windows in my house and experiencing the gentle rain is helping me express the tears I can’t shed. I feel sad, not angry! I normally cry so easily that it comes as a shock to understand that the dull feeling in my body is deeply repressed grief, that I am not ready to let go of.
I suddenly have a picture of my Dad’s chakra systems opening (like the windows of the house) so his spirit can fly home, where he will be safe, sane and all-knowing instead of being imprisoned in a feeble body and broken mind, inside a hospital ward (read: prison ward to my Dad’s confused mind), surrounded by three other men who are worse off than him.
My Dad had a huge fall early this week and was taken to the LGH with cuts, bruises and concussion. He is 91 but up until this week, he was doing reasonably OK. Yesterday I spent 5 hours sitting next to his bedside, sneakily doing some energy medicine to detect whether he was going to die soon, or whether he is going to make a come-back.
I know, why can’t I just surrender to the inevitable and allow things to unfold without being a Big Know All?
I justified my curiosity by thinking I could advise my sister in Belgium whether to visit now, or later, or not at all. Normally I get a lot of information from scanning clients energetic body’s, but yesterday I felt muddled. That usually means that there is something I am not willing to see.
It was difficult to do a proper energy reading, because the nurse is watching over him 24/7 and my dad was suspicious of my every move, because he thought I was keeping him captive in my house, stealing his belongings, and keeping him away from Betty, my step mum.
What I discovered was that his base chakra is completely empty and that most of the energy was bottled up around his head.
Our chakra system is our external energetic body, which is much more important than our physical body. When we die, our spirit leaves our body through the portals of the chakra.
My dad was always blessed with an incredibly strong body, and a cast iron nervous system. He comes from true Viking stock. He never felt the cold, always wore short sleeves, even in the winter in Holland, because he came with his own fur coat. We always joke about his body hair, and how that gene has been passed down to our kids, and now our grandchildren. He rarely got sick, but when he did, he would be violently ill. Did you know that this is a sign of a very strong immune system?
He never felt any pain either.
During WW2 he had to protect his parent’s factory at night from enemies, like the German invaders or thieves. He was only 13 when he had to sleep there all by himself for night watch. The story goes that the watch dog barked and alerted my grandparents, but my dad slept soundly all night. Sleep time and meal times have always been sacred routine for my dad.
He loved cooking which was unusual in those days. Sunday lunchtime would find him pouring over the saucepans for hours. We would usually have soup, followed by potatoes, meat, and a variety of cooked and raw vegetables, followed by dessert. Our stomachs would hurt the rest of the day, because we were so full. You could taste the love and care that had gone into every mouthful.
In fact, if it hadn’t been for my Dad, Forth’s own Love Your Guts fermenting company as well as Alchemy Café wouldn’t be here because Opa, as we call him, passed on his passion for cooking and creating delicious, healthy and unusual recipes to my kids, a much more useful gene than the body hair!
My dad used to experiment with fermented grains, fruits or anything else he could get his hands on, much to the disgust of my mum, who didn’t like all those frothy jars on her kitchen bench. My dad was always the epitome of health, which was perfectly balanced by my mum’s various stages of ill health.
And now his base chakra is gone.
A picture springs to my mind of a strong oak tree that has become disconnected from its roots due to an earthquake.
My Dad, who has always been so unshakable, is getting close to the end.
And for once, I can’t cry!
I feel eerily suspended between heaven and earth. I know this feeling from waiting for the moment my grandbabies would enter the world. Only now I am waiting for an exit on the opposite end of my timeline.
Once my Dad passes, it will be the end of an era.
I can’t cry, because it feels like the cycle hasn’t closed yet.
Or perhaps I am hanging onto my tears and saving it for a huge tsunami later.
I think the problem is that the dull feeling inside me is too huge to touch.
Perhaps I need to break it down into bitesize portions.
What am I feeling?
- Sympathy for seeing him so reduced
- Helpless because I can’t take away his confusion
- A loss of expectation. I suddenly realise that I thought my Dad would be here forever. I know that is an irrational expectation, but feelings aren’t rational. Feelings simply need to be felt and right now I feel shocked. That’s it: I am in shock. It was disguised as anger, which was disguised as a dull feeling.
- I love my Dad so much. Mind you, that doesn’t mean that he was an easy Dad to have. He displayed many traits that were destructive to my self-esteem as a child and teenager. Traits that I wanted to avoid at all cost when I had my own children, only to discover that life doesn’t work like that!
What else am I feeling?
- Frustrated! I want his suffering to end. My Dad has never been fearful of death. I think he even looks forward to it. To him it would mean the fulfilment of many promises and it represents going home. But when I look into his eyes, I can also see how much the inevitable parting from his loved ones is hurting him.
- It hurts me to see him like that! I am connecting with his humanity because he isn’t there yet, and still capable of feeling fearful, trapped inside his body, not knowing where he is, not being able to speak English, and thinking the world is out to get him. Yet, even though he is trapped inside a nightmare scenario, and he feels like a 5 year old lost boy to me, the man-spirit in him exudes an undercurrent of love and grace, stemming from a lifetime of self-discipline, trusting in his God and looking after others.
I am starting to make sense of some of my feelings.
I suffered from acute Panic Disorder 10 years ago and for my own good, spent 8 weeks in a psychiatric unit. My mind was broken and my intuitive powers that I used to rely on, were up the creek. I was a rudderless ship. I would never wish that state of being on anyone, least of all my Dad who never feared anyone or anything!
Now that dull feeling is moving into my head and I am starting to cry.
Unlike my Dad, I am a great believer in feeling your feelings. My early life was an ideal training ground for a budding intuitive therapist. My mother was very warm and loving, but she struggled with pain and depression. Even as a child I wanted to become the worlds best healer, so I could alleviate her pain. She was funny and chatty, as well as pessimistic and catastrophic. My Dad was a rock. A man of few words. He couldn’t work for anyone else because he was too stubborn, and always had his own businesses, which followed a boom and bust pattern. My parents were devoted to each other and their 5 kids, but there was a lot of uneasiness. Every now and then the tension would reach a peak, and my Dad would lose his cool and the sky would fall on our heads.
I wanted to avoid that at all costs so I learnt from a very early age to feel all kinds of energy shifts in the house. By tuning into that energy, an unpleasant situation could sometimes be avoided. Or if the situation exploded, I would bring out my resident coach and cry and counsel myself in the safety of my bedroom till I found peace.
To my Dad, feelings are to be squashed and ignored and emotions are not to be trusted. It worked for him because he was a Viking and he didn’t have any qualms about erupting like Mount Vesuvius every now and then. If he had any guilt or remorse, he didn’t show it.
That is the thing with feelings; they need to be expressed otherwise we become a danger to ourselves and others. We either explode, like my dad, or implode, like I did with the Panic Disorder.
Heres something humans were never taught at school: a ‘feeling’ is a sensation/energy moving through your body for the purpose of release, so you can realign yourself with your Highest self.
A blocked ‘emotion’ is a feeling that is blocked. The feeling got stuck, the flow got cut off causing it to be trapped in your physical and energetic body. This creates a dullness, loss of vibrancy, lack of energy and leads to illness because you become out of alignment with your Highest self. You haven’t
been taking heed of your internal navigator.
- When we live from reaction, we are expressing a past feeling that hasn’t been fully felt.
- When we are truly feeling, we are completely present and conscious in the moment as the sensations rise in our body. We are simply sitting with them and giving our feelings a chance to be expressed like I am trying to do today. Tears are usually the most natural way to release excess energy from our body.
Most people don’t feel safe enough to fully express their feelings. Perhaps this is the key reason why my tears are all bottled up inside me today, because as a child I was often forced to live incongruently to be what Dad wanted me to be. He wasn’t comfortable with a display of emotions, so it wasn’t safe to be authentic.
My Dad probably turned out the way he was because his father was even more emotionally straightjacketed. Who knows how many centuries of unshed tears and fears are in his body?
Developing emotional intelligence is something new in my family lineage. My Dad mistrusted his emotions and my mum was very emotional, but lacked clarity around her feelings and mistrusted her intuition.
It is new territory that as a culture we are only just learning to live in. To do this successfully, we need to overcome thousands of years of programming.
I created the Surge to Success Program especially for women who want to fast forward their evolution and learn to enjoy the flow of feelings, discover clarity of purpose and a make a real connection with their intuition and other forms of positive energy, without constantly sabotaging themselves.
It can be the most frightening thing ever to allow ourselves to really feel what we are feeling, because we are afraid that we might die from the intensity or drown in our sadness, or become a mass murderer if we allow our anger to surface.
The truth is that we are far more dangerous if we don’t allow ourselves to feel what we are really feeling. We are setting ourselves up for failure.
All blockages to success ( whether they are health, love, or money related) are based on unexpressed and unresolved anger, fear and sadness.
It takes a lot of energy to please others, to fit in or to avoid conflict. If we aren’t being authentic, we aren’t living a life that was intended for us by our Creator and we begin to lose trust in ourselves and our journey. We start to second guess ourselves all the time and rely on external sources to give us happiness and joy. We become more and more insecure. Eventually our bodies will scream out at us with a variety of health problems or mental conditions.
Today, give yourself the grace and space to really feel what you are feeling without sugar coating it, editing, or judging or justifying.
The degree to which you are able to allow the feelings to pass through you is the degree to which you allow the Divine access to come through you into and for the world.
From my heart to yours, Grada
PS: There is still time to register for my Surge to Success Program. I have started to work with several participants and together we have had the most amazing, life altering break throughs.
Every single one of these women felt enlivened as they got to know their inner Genius and discovered new depths within themselves. In this expanded state, it will be easy for them to create abundance and love and this is what I wish for all the world.