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If only I was good enough…

If only….

If only my baby would sleep all night…

If only my partner would listen….

If only I had a million dollars in the bank..

If only I had more energy..

If only I had a better car…

If only… I used to think constantly. If only I could have some peace and quiet.. (when I was taking a car load of kids to school in the morning).

If only Peter would communicate better (when he’d come home from work all exhausted, and I had cabin fever from being at home all day).

If only we could go on a holiday to a sunny island somewhere (instead its cold and wet outside and we have just lost the power).

My entire twenties and thirties were dominated by ‘if onlys’. I was forever distracting myself by my external circumstances, blaming them for how I felt on the inside.

The truth is that the babies eventually slept through the night. Did it make me feel much happier? Not really.

We got a bigger and better car. Yes, it was more comfortable. But did it give me the fundamental shift in happiness I had longed for? No.

Eventually I cottoned on that for me to feel happy and contented, I had to go inward. I needed to start looking within and find peace and contentment on the inside. And for that to happen, I must first learn to love myself..

That is when I realised I NEVER FELT ‘ENOUGH’.

I never felt that I was enough. It didn’t matter that I brought up 6 children on an isolated farm a long way away from my familiar stomping grounds (Holland), that I breast fed for 15 years, or grew all our own vegetables, entertained the kids, sewed our own clothes, did parent help at school, volunteered to help out at other organisations, in between painting, plastering and doing farm chores, or that I wrote long letters to distant friends (who usually didn’t reply), or looked after the lost and lonely, tried to be there for my parents (who were new migrants) and sported a positive outlook on life at all times.

I always tried so hard, I went way above and beyond what I expected from other people, and I still never felt satisfied (with myself). There was never enough time in the day to do everything I wanted to do. I was enslaved to my impossible standards of perfection. And if I did something perfectly fantastic, I would simply shift the perimeter of ‘good enough’.

No matter what I did, I didn’t feel the respect I craved (other than by Peter). That meant that if Peter was distant or quiet, I was absolutely devastated. This in turn, created a lot of internal tension.

Then followed a serious MVA in Jan 2006, where I got hit by a passing truck in the middle of Forth. I was left paralysed with too many injuries to mention. I rose to the challenge and started seeing clients again 6 months later. Everyone called me a miracle. Do you think that made me happy or gave me the approval I longed for? No, because no amount of external recognition will ever gratify or fill the bottomless pit of never feeling good enough. Not even a miracle.

I soldiered on till 2008, when suddenly my mind snapped in half. I had pushed myself so hard, that one sunny morning I woke up and my mind was broken. This was a completely new experience for me. I had always taken for granted that I could just push and push myself for ever and come out the other end with bells and whistles.

I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for acute mental illness. As per usual, I thought I would be able to fix myself in record time, but I didn’t realise that mental illness is a different kettle of fish to anything I had ever experienced. All my old tactics failed. After I returned home, I had to lock myself in my bedroom for extended periods of time. Mentally I remained on very shaky grounds for another 7 years.

On the outside I seemed fine. I acted like a trouper. On the inside I was running on full on adrenalin. Medical treatments helped very little. I gave up after a psychologist said a prayer over my head, because I refused to take medication, and she had run out of options. Another psychologist helpfully told me how to commit suicide, because we joked about it so much, he hadn’t realised I wasn’t joking. Nobody knew the extend of the mental torture behind my façade.

While I was disappointed that prescription drugs didn’t put a dent in my symptoms, I also knew I had to work through my own piles of disempowering beliefs and unhelpful programs that I had relied on all my life, otherwise it would just go underground and pop up at an inconvenient time later.

Thankfully I was in the best of hands with my fellow practitioners at the Purple House. I was truly blessed that my energetic body received as much healing as my physical body. I believe that if it wasn’t for the Purple House, I would simply have given up the ghost.

These were some of the hardest years of my life. Eventually it dawned on me that all the ‘what if’s’ and never feeling good enough, combined with the lack of personal boundaries, were symptoms of my inability to love myself just the way I was.

Finally, I was onto something. If I loved myself, a whole host of issues that bothered me would simply vanish.

This epiphany was the easy part. The difficult part was the HOW.

How do you love yourself? I discovered that loving yourself is something that needs to be learnt, in the same way that you learn how to take your first steps or learn a new language.

It doesn’t just happen overnight. It is something that needs willingness, commitment and practice.

Thankfully when it comes to learning to love yourself, a little bit goes a long way. I still had many stints in hospitals between 2008 and 2013 and eventually all my efforts paid off. Today I feel unshakeably OK. I feel blessed with my enormous community of loyal clients, and with my children, their partners and grandchildren. They are not only my best friends, they also love and respect each other very much.

Finally, I have ended up feeling ‘enough’. I am enough. Nothing needs to change, now or ever.

I can’t remember the last time I thought the words: ‘what if’.

Every day I am filled with the joy of life regardless of the weather, the workload, the clothes I wear, or how other people treat me. My relationships have depth and meaning because I am in a meaningful and honest relationship with myself.

In my    Surge to Success program you will learn how to undo programs that are keeping you stuck in old patterns of chronic dissatisfaction and lack of self-love, so you can finally feel happy, successful and empowered.

  • If you feel exhausted, inadequate or overwhelmed, this program is for you.
  • If you are always second guessing yourself, or constantly seeking other people’s approval, this program is for you.
  • If you don’t feel respected, valued or financially rewarded for your efforts, this program is for you.
  • If you are always rushing and overcommitting yourself, this program is for you.
  • If you have lost your zest for life, and your creativity has dried up, this program is for you.

When you learn how to love yourself, all your relationships will be transformed. And relationships are at the heart of everything in life. You will have clarity about your purpose, which means that you won’t be wasting precious years in the wrong place at the wrong time.

‘But its too late for me” I hear you say.

You are never too messed up, too stuck or too old to start loving life!

There will be experiential exercises right from the beginning to help you feel a shift in your heart centre straight away.

You will feel supported and cared for throughout this program. Rather than just working by yourself, you will be part of a loving dedicated group of women.

We will be encouraging each other, brainstorming and motivating each other to reach our goals. You will tap into the powerful energy created when multiple people all work towards the same goal.

This group-work can be the hidden force behind your success. Traveling the path to success with others makes the journey so much more enjoyable.

Become part of a community of motivated, caring women who want to be a light in the world.

Are you ready to create lasting positive changes in your life?

I personally invite you to check my    Surge to Success Program here.

Message me if you have any questions or concerns or talk to my team at the Purple House on 64283007.

Much love, Grada