It holds us back and keeps us small.
It confuses us.
It makes us old before our time.
It makes us competitive instead of cooperative.
It stops of from being honest with ourselves.
Fear blinds us to who we really are.
Fear makes us believe the Universe is out to get us
Fear makes us swallow lies.
It is paralyzing.
Fear leaves us open to abuse.
Perhaps fear is the root of all evil.
Fear turns us into bullies.
I am looking at the object of my most persistent, reluctant to budge ‘mother of all fears’. No, it’s not Donald Trump or a picture of the twin towers collapsing. I am with my dad.
And I am being blatantly honest with myself.
My dad is resting in his reclining chair, spending the final few days of his life in the high care section (read dementia ward) of the Scottsdale hospital. He has got the best room, with sun streaming in all day, and cows grazing outside his window. But he has his back to the window most of the day.
He is on the return journey. All that matters now (to me and my siblings) is for him to be at peace.
Peace seems to be alluding him. I don’t like to see him like that, not for his sake and not for my sake either.
When my dad was grumpy, we as children had to walk on eggshells. He could explode any minute and turn into a fit of rage, which would result in a beating. Lash out first, ask questions later. Except the questions were never asked. The abuse cycle continued till I met Peter at age 17, at which point my dad handed over the responsibility of regular beatings to Peter. Thankfully Peter was made from different material!
I never realized how much fear I had in my body, till I had a run-in accident with a truck in 2006. The truck driver (who has since died of bone cancer) happened to be a grumpy Dutchman, and he didn’t show any remorse. Months later I received a one sentence scribble from him that it had all been my
I guess the Universe wanted to tell me that all hadn’t been well in my childhood. Or more precisely, that all wasn’t well with the memory bank of my childhood and if I survived the accident, I had better make sure that I sorted all that sh*t out, or something like this might happen again.
The accident was a two-edged sword: on the one hand, it was incredibly traumatic. Nobody should have to go through the agony I felt. On the other hand, it gave me the gift of a near death experience.
I left my body and became fearless for the first time in my life.
I quickly realized two things: that fear can only be felt by our nervous system, fear happens inside
our heads. Fear is not a tangible part of the Universe. In other words, fear is an illusion.
Wow! Fear is an illusion. Fear is a lie! That means our entire existence as human beings, the way we
operate in our society, the systems we have created to keep our cultures alive, the pillars that form our belief systems (church, educational, medical and political systems) have it all wrong! What the hell are we doing with our lives?
Suddenly, when I was floating above my crumpled body, I became aware of the most peaceful, amazing, at-one-ness with the Universe, a sense of wellbeing that comes from a deep knowing that everything is perfect the way it is. There is nothing out of order. NOTHING. And then I was filled with the most profound feeling of love. For myself. For everyone. For God. The love that goes beyond understanding. The love you feel for your newborn baby, the moment you hold him/her in your arms.
I am not only loved, I AM love. I am the I AM.
For the first time in my life, I had a moment without fear. A huge lesson here: there is nothing to be afraid of! Not now, not EVER!
It was utter bliss. I had returned to my natural state.
Of course, that soon changed when I chose to come back to my body, which was a broken bleeding
mess. Bam! Back to pain and fear.
Yet I somehow managed to hang onto that life-changing moment and create a body that healed itself
in NO time and turned it into a pain dissolving machine.
Yes, I was back at work within months of being paralyzed and eventually I got all my dead body parts working again.
But it took me a long time to put all the pieces of the puzzle together so it made sense to me. I am still working on it today.
He was a bully. He might still be a bully if he had the energy and opportunity. It’s hard to tell.
Much as it is hard to admit, he assaulted his children and I remember once he even got stuck into my mum. I was only five, and to me, it felt as if the Universe collapsed around my ears. He didn’t stop at that, he also gave my youngest aunty a belting when she slept over. I also witnessed him beat up a young friend when she spoke disrespectfully. My dad didn’t give a sh*t what anybody thought of him, that was the only silver lining I learnt from those bad times.
I hate to have these thoughts about my dad, it makes me feel like a traitor, but for my own health, I have to say it how it is. The same as my clients must see the truth about their childhood, and feel it, before they can heal the issues in their tissues.
Those are some of the very bad memories I have of him.
I love him. He is loyal, intelligent, stoic and strong. He could always see the big picture, I mean huge. Existential. He didn’t really bother with the details. He seemed to fall into businesses. They kind of dropped into his lap. He was a boom and bust person. He took enormous risks. But I don’t think he was even aware of those risks, because he hated bookwork, sometimes he didn’t do his taxes for 6 years or so. He didn’t care about council regulations, so he was always chased by the justice department. Or the cops. Rules didn’t really exist in his realm, only his own rules. He was a legend and he based his security in God.
He loved my mum to oblivion. Which made him oblivious to our needs, much to my mum’s chagrin because she sometimes wanted him to be playful with us, or take notice of us, but he didn’t have the mental space for that.
My mum was deformed with a hunchback and he made her feel like a queen most days, except for when she drove him nuts with her nagging. My mum nagged because she cared about the details. Details like getting a double or triple mortgage on our home.
Luckily for her, she got a small disability pension from her working days in her twenties, which gave
her a smidge of independence. Not that it made any difference to my dad.
He didn’t worry about details like: any of us 5 young kids answering the business phone, which was also our home-line, and scribbling down business orders like: 4 ton of red bread crumbs, 2 ton of yellow and 1 ton of green, to be delivered to Eindhoven (in the South) by Friday.
Or collect a truck load of old bread from Leeuwarden (in the far North of Holland) by nightfall please.
We just scribbled it down on a random piece of very cheap note block and hang up, never giving it a
second thought if we accidently wrote 7 ton instead of 4 for instance. My dad was a big picture person. He was very philosophical about life. Near enough was good enough for him.
That’s till the pressure would get to him. Either my mums nagging, or some other mishap, or his fear
of us going to hell.
Because our family belonged to a very close-knit set of friends, adhering to a fundamentalist Christian church.
Think Dutch reformed church only a hundred times narrower. The Narrowness of the Way is what
made it SAFE.
With that came a complete set of unwritten rules. If we overstepped, we were in for a hiding.
For instance, we were not allowed to swear. Or we were not allowed to marry outside the church. Or we were not allowed to express certain thoughts about the Universe. That was not OK. But domestic violence was OK. That is the sort of schizophrenic home environment we grew up in.
And now my dad is sleeping all day, because the Dr has prescribed some sort of anti-neurotic schizophrenia drug. I know it is to keep him comfortable, but not for the first time I am wondering if he can see something that I haven’t seen all my life?
I can only see my dad through the lens of my baggage.
The same as my children see me.
My kids can’t even hear I have a Dutch accent, because the first sound they heard was my voice, starting from conception, so how can they notice it? To them, my Englishish is the most normal thing in the world. It is not till you use a contrasting background that you suddenly gain clarity, like I did during the NDE, or children sometimes do when they go to school and realize other peoples norms are different to theirs.
It is hard for us to imagine our life without fear, because it’s the first emotion we feel in utero.
By around week 9 in gestation we register fear in our body.
It is called the FEAR PARALYSIS reflex or Withdrawal reflex.
Imagine floating around peacefully in a perfectly nurturing environment that is taking care of our every need, when suddenly a new uncomfortable feeling shoots through our spine, electrifying our limbs, tightening our chest and prickling our neck.
This is our very first experience of fear, and it gives us a feeling of NOT OK.
It is there to protect the us from harm. If mum gets a shock, or kicked in the tummy, we, the little
jellybean floating around the womb, curl up in foetal position to protect ourselves.
Sometimes it so happens that the FEAR PARALYSIS stays on permanently. This means we have never
experienced life without fear.
We have never ever been fully relaxed.
We can’t feel fully loved because fear cancels out love.
Perhaps we don’t even recognize love when it comes our way, because we have our fear glasses on.
We can’t trust ourselves because we have that lingering feeling that we are NOT OK. Something is
fundamentally flawed about us.
The Universe feels threatening. We constantly have to watch over our shoulder.
We struggle in our relationships.
The slightest trigger causes us to withdraw or lash out.
I am still only talking about the earliest fears that we might have experienced as foetus, baby and
What happens next?
We are taught to glorify our rational logical mind and to suppress our emotions. This is a recipe for disaster and epic failure. Epic failure because our rational mind is full of rubbish. Most of the time it doesn’t have an original thought worth mentioning because our thoughts are usually on autopilot. Taking your thoughts serious is like pressing the self-destruct button. You may as well stab yourself in the back because your thoughts about yourself are wrong or based on untruths, a series of lies that we picked up
somewhere along the line and then reinforced millions of time, till you think they come from God and believe them to be the ultimate truth. Rule number one: always question your thoughts.
We turn ourselves into monumental f’ ups by suppressing our emotions. Our emotions were given to us by God, to be our navigator, to let us know whether we are on the right track or not. Unlike our minds, our bodies can’t lie. They can only tell the truth. Our cells respond to truth only.
Yet we are taught that we can’t trust our feelings or emotions.
Rule number two: always pay attention to your feelings.
As we suppress our emotions, we create more fear, because all suppressed emotions morph into 3
- the fear of intensity,
- fear of emptiness and
- fear of the unknown.
These three become one: the fear of death.
The powers that be play us out against our greatest unacknowledged fear: the fear of death. We are easy prey, because we all avoid the subject like the plague. We live our lives on autopilot and pretend it is never going to happen to us.
Little do we know that while we whittle our lives away chasing another buck, creating another drama (accident, relationship bust up), or simply going about our daily business, we are ignoring the fact that death confronts all of us.
The greatest gift we can give ourselves today is to make friends with death. To build a relationship with it. To feel OK with it. Because on the other side of fear is the FREEDOM we all long for.
Holding hands with my dad I feel love, respect and pity. He worked so hard all his life. He worked hard physically, and he was hard on himself. If he was cruel to us sometimes, he was even more unkind to himself. He was hugely disconnected from us kids because he had lost touch with his own inner child. I can’t remember holding hands with him as a child for instance. Even now it feels strange. The only other time he held my hand was after I got struck down by the truck and I was dying.
He lived for God first, my mum or my step mum Betty second, being a father came third. Work came
fourth and play or relaxation were very low on the priority.
And amongst his list of priorities, self-awareness didn’t really show up. He got to know his God very well, but he didn’t ever get to love himself.
He gave us a tremendous childhood. If it hadn’t been dotted with abuse, I wouldn’t be the person I
am today. I would never have done such desperate soul searching.
I might not have had that accident, nor time in a psychiatric hospital with panic disorder. I would never have understood or respected mental illness like I do now. There is not a pain or trauma in my clients that I can’t relate to.
He indirectly showed me how some of his values didn’t work for him which caused me to re-calibrate mine, so I can have the life I enjoy today.
He taught me to be a rule breaker and a myth buster.
He showed me that it doesn’t matter what others think of you.
He inspired me to recover from pain and disability like a hero.
He figured out what really mattered for him, and that that’s all that really matters.
Today, it matters to me that I am happy, fulfilled and on track with my soul’s purpose. It matters that I share everything I have learnt so you can reap the benefits without having to suffer first!
Over the last month how many times have you:
- Stressed about work or finances?
- Felt unproductive or lost on what you should do?
- Been physically ill, hurt or debilitated?
- Felt lonely, isolated or unheard?
- Been overworked and underpaid?
- Been under slept, underfed, unenergized and unhealthy?
- Struggled in your relationship with someone close to you?
- Felt unmotivated and defeated?
If you hurt a lot or your life isn’t panning out the way you had imagined, I might have the perfect
solution for you.
I have put together a program that will uncover and dissolve pain, trauma or money stresses that are
negatively impacting your health, your relationships, your finances or any other area of your life, so you can attain great relationships, earn the money you deserve and create a body that HEALS itself easily, and have fun while you are at it.
It doesn’t matter where you are in life, these programs will help you to rise to the top and never look
Phone Luisa on 64283007 to have your questions answered.
I am so looking forward to working with you in June and July! Much love, Grada